Before the month of October ends I would like to take the opportunity to talk about something which is very close to my heart. This month saw Pregnancy and Baby Loss Day (October 15th), the purpose of which is to recognise how alone and alienated bereaved mothers often feel.
I started to write this post before I became pregnant and a part of me wishes I could have shared it at the time but I simply was not ready.
I deliberated for ages on whether or not to write this post, after all how much is too much to share on one's blog? But what the hell I've decided that this is something I want to do. One in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage, it is one of those unspoken things which so many women go through but very few talk about. I am sharing this as if it brings one person comfort and lets them know that they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings and that they aren't going mad, then it will have been worth writing.
Regular readers would have noticed that my presence on the blog last year was flaky to say the least. That absence wasn't just from blogosphere but I had also been a bit absent from life in general.
2012 was a mad crazy year; at times it was the worst year of my life. However, as you all know as I approached the 10th month it got a whole lot better as I fell pregnant for third time that year.
Miscarriage is not something I had ever really thought about or considered, I suppose you don't have to unless it happens to you or someone you know. Last year it is something that I had to deal with. Twice.
After trying to conceive for a year we experienced 2 early miscarriages and they were truly devastating. Having wanted a baby for so long (the year we were trying felt like forever), the excitement of those 2 blue lines was incredible, only to learn a while later that it wasn't to be. Coupled with the nagging feeling that it might never happen. It was hard.
The NHS dealt with me fairly well, although answers and sympathy were limited. Partly because it is so common and so they only start investigations after you have had three. It doesn't help that the Early Pregnancy Unit waiting room is a one stop shop for those with news that their pregnancy is progressing well and for those who find out that it has ended or threatened.
The support of my friends and family was invaluable along with the ever optimism of the Mr, whose belief in 'what will be, will be' simultaneously stirred both hope and annoyance in me, depending on the day and my mood.
The more I have reached out and shared, the more I have realised that so many other women have been through similar situations. It was actually a post from the very lovely and inspiring Natalie @Accidental Mogul that planted the seed for this post. She writes in such a beautifully honest and open way on her blog that I have to admit reading her posts have brought me to tears on a number of occasions.
I am lucky. I know this and I say a little of prayer of thanks every day, always taking time to think of those who are still going through the fertility journey and dealing with the aftermath of pregnancy/baby loss. It is indeed a minefield and if you are in the midst of it then my thoughts are with you.
Love & Light